Mother.

I am not a mother. I am not now, nor will I ever BE a mother. Physically, I am capable of producing offspring. But that would not make me a mother. I do not have it in me to love a human being unconditionally. I do not have it in me to take responsibility for the care of a baby. I do not have it in me to be that unselfish. I am not a mother.

Sometimes, when I let my mind wander, I question what it would be like. The ways my life would (or would not) change. The things I would have to give up - the things I would receive in return. I am one of the few people left in my circle of friends who is not a parent. Sometimes I am envious. I am human, after all. Sometimes I wish it didn't make me envious. Sometimes I'm relieved and glad that it isn't me.

I'm asked that, if I can have so much compassion and unconditional love for animals, why wouldn't I feel the same about my own spawn? The answer is not so simple, though at times I wish it were.

An animal does not stop loving you. Even when abused and beaten to an inch of its life, it will not turn so far that it cannot be brought back. A human being has capability for the worst hurt, cruelty and evil possible. There are no unforgivable acts among animals....it may take time to heal the soul, but it isn't impossible. I can't say beyond certainty that I know the same to be true of humans.

I don't want the burden of being responsible for the needs of a human being. Animals are vastly uncomplicated in their needs. Or maybe it's a different type of need. I can understand animals. I am, by and large, able to communicate them. I cannot say the same for people. I don't understand them and I usually can't communicate with them. Which is odd, since that's what I do for a living.

I am selfish. I do not want something growing inside of me. I do not want to deal with more pain, more health problems and the potential of fucking that up. I don't want to lose the precious little time I have for me caring for some squalling infant. I do not want to put those vast needs before my own. I don't want to. Plain and simple. And being a free woman in a (mostly) free country, I'm entitled to that. Plus, this planet will not exactly suffer from the choice of one woman not to add to the already bursting population. Trust me on that one.

I am miserable with the prospect. If I had a child, it would be a source of contention. I dislike my in-laws with an intense passion. I could not knowingly and willingly send a child into that family even for a moment without the desire to slaughter. My husband would want that child to meet its family....whatever my objections. We have a great deal in common on the philosophy of raising a child. And a great deal that is diametrically opposed.

Genetics alone dictate that I probably should not procreate. With the number of issues I have and the number of hereditary health problems lurking around - it just would not be wise. Especially were that child to be my husband's. Were the coupling different, genetics might, might might just be excusable. I wouldn't knowingly subject a child to the shit he and I have to deal with on a regular basis. It's an almost certainty that any spawn of ours would be genetically fucked from the start.

Above all else, is that selfishness. I don't ever forsee room for a child in my life. I have my life and I have my dreams and I have my goals. When I have my goals, I let nothing and no one stand in the way. It may sound ruthless - it probably is - but I would not let some sappy sentimental notion of "bearing a piece of my/your/our love into the world" dissuade me from the life I want to lead. Ambition has been the downfall of many. One day I may fall. But it will be by my own hand.

I am afraid of my own body's limitations. I have several issues that would make it potentially life threatening to have a child. I have the fear of failure due to past problems. I don't want to deal with that can of worms and that mess and that potential to send me to the edge of insanity. Selfish fear, sure, but I don't care. It's MY selfish fear.

I dislike the intense pressure there is to have a child, from family members, friends, society as a whole. If you're married, or otherwise attached, you're expected to have a child. Be the good wife, squeeze out a few pups and call it a day, resigning yourself to a life of sheparding a brat to and fro from soccer practice and ballet lessons and school and social functions. I could not trade a sword for a sippy cup. Sorry. And that IS my choice. I hate when people say "Oh you'll change your mind when you're older. Or when you're ready. You'll know. You have no clue. It's different when its your own."

No, I will not be changing my mind. And yes, i do have an inkling. And yes, you're right, it is different when it's my own. Make no mistake, I love children. I love babies. I especially love when I can GIVE THEM BACK to mom and dad. I dislike being told that someone else knows what is best for me - and I know, that in any foreseeable future, having a child is NOT what is best for me. I dislike being pressured to pop out a kid because society sees it as the RIGHT thing to do. Sorry, but that's not sitting well with me. If anything, the chiding remarks and the pressure make me rally more to the cause of not having a child.

I have my moments of longing. I see my friends and their children. I watch them grow, and smile, and laugh. And I feel a pang of longing. But it's temporary insanity. It isn't the thought of them being parents that makes me feel a twinge of jealousy. It's the happiness they have that makes me jealous, I think. And there are many roads to happiness and fulfillment. And I know within my heart that their path is not my path.

I am the type of mother who would eat her young because they got on her nerves. That's why I send my mother a card every year on a certain day in May - thanking her for not doing the same. A peace offering, of sorts. A "Thank You For Not Eating Me" card.

There is the maiden, there is the mother, there is the crone. Even my spirituality subtly pushes me toward that path. And yet there is another archetype in the space of "mother". That is the warrior. It is the courage of a mother without the compassion. Mothers are some of the bravest, strongest people I know. I was the maiden. I am the warrior. And if I live to old age without managing to get myself killed, I will be the crone. I am content with this role. It's one I've cast for myself.

I'm going to spend my days in the line of fire, taking heat to protect small, furry, fourlegged babes. I'm going to put myself into danger time and time again, because I know in my heart it is right. I will help, I will heal. At times I will hurt, if necessary. This is the path that feels right.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.