Going Down

I've been hit,
and I've been hit hard
with a blow that strikes
as sharp as it feels
and as deep as it looks.

I'm going down
in a thunderstorm
a tree burning on the horizon
and tears falling like rain.
I'm going down.

And I've never felt so alone in the world
without your laugh
crackling through the air like ozone.
And I've never felt so sad
without your smile
breaking the clouds and making way
for a rainbow.

And sometimes now,
the storm clouds hang on,
I can't seem to shake it.
The weather man's wrong.
30 percent chance of depression.
20 percent chance of despair.
100 percent chance that life's going to go on,
without you in my life.


I've neglected this blog due to a death in the family. But I've got a lot to write and a lot to get out. So I'm back.

This hurts.

It really hurts me to say this, but I'm withdrawing completely from San Juan College. Between having to work full time as the sole provider in my household and the demands placed by the vet tech distance learning program, as well as the high cost of driving to clinicals twice a week, not to mention the overwhelmingly painful physical and emotional costs of working at the clinic, I can't do it anymore.

It was all going fine until I started clinicals. Which made me really think - is this dream something I can do? I thought it was. I was wrong. Physically, I don't think I'll ever be able to go into a 9-5 (or 7-7 in this case) job and perform like everyone else. I get so tired that I end up sleeping the next two days away just to recover - by which time I have to be back at the clinic anyway.

One of the things I'll miss dearly is the English department. I think I got more excited over those classes than anything else, despite my love for animals and everything else. The creative writing class inspired me. I don't care that I've spent over the past year writing to pay the bills - sometimes it takes a great, dedicated teacher and a group of students willing to challenge you and speak to you that makes all the difference.

That's why I'm enrolling in Southern New Hampshire University's online BA program for Creative Writing and English Language studies. I know there are plenty of people ready to line up and tell me that you can't make money writing - well, they're damn wrong. I also know a good deal of people who will tell me that a degree in creative writing is like tossing your money in a sinkhole. That's fine and dandy. I know I can write, and I know I can write well. But I also hear so many people - regular Joes and educators alike - stressing the need for a degree. Any degree. In anything. That little piece of paper means so much more, sometimes it seems, than the knowledge itself. Which is wrong. But at least I'll have the security of knowing I've got a piece of paper worth a whole hell of a lot in a field that I'm good at and in a field I know I love. Maybe not as much as I love saving little fuzzy creatures, but one that I love well enough and has been with me almost my entire life.

I'm going to miss the classes and the people in them. I'll miss yapping around on the SJC message boards and hearing Dr. Wright's playful banter in his lectures. I'll really miss my dreams - coming to terms with the fact that what you WANT to do and would LOVE to do aren't always the same things as what you're physically ABLE to do just sucks. I really hate it. Secretly, I think I'll miss the English classes most of all.

But I won't miss the heartwrenching feeling of having to choose between the gas money to get to clinicals and food. I won't miss the painful choice of working or cleaning kennels. I won't miss having to split my focus on two things and feeling discouraged because I can't manage to do complex mathematics in my head. I won't miss the physical fatigue and the exhaustion to the point of wanting to die, on a real and literal level.

I'll miss a lot of it. I really will, but I think, or at least I hope, I'm making the right choice.

Honors 211 Project Idea

So I've had this idea simmering around in my head for a while. It's an idea for a coffee table-style book I hope to pitch to the right publisher, or in the event of no such suitable publishing house, self-publish.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I did not grow up in the area I currently live in. I've been here give-or-take four years. And I know it just well enough to know that I hate it.

But love it or hate it, I'm here. And because I'm here, I'm influenced by it. And regardless of my opinions, it's a very naturally beautiful area. We've got some of the oldest old growth forests in the nation. The ONLY national forest in Ohio is right in my backyard, less than minutes from my doorstep. Nature is around me.

And so is the decay of man. Everywhere I turn, signs that man has created well-placed IV lines into the earth...not for the purpose of saving the natural beauty, but for the succinct and precise art of killing her.

Everywhere signs that man has tried to triumph over nature. And everywhere signs of failure. I've been writing a series of poems on the subject for...oh, give-or-take four years now.

But what I want to do, my "vision" if you will, is a series of meaningful and poignant photographs from around the region paired with suitably appropriate well-taken photographs.

I think the capstone assignment for English is a perfect test run for this idea. Something that, if I find I'm actually somewhat decent with photography, I think I would take even farther. Right? I mean, once you get going with a good piece of art or literature, you can't just let it languish. It needs care and attention to live. It's not like a mushroom - stick it away in a damp, dark, moldy corner and it will die.

And this is one idea that's been bouncing off the tin-can walls of my addled brain for a while now. This is not to say that school work is any less valid than commercializing my work - god knows I'm sick of writing to pay the bills. Buuuut....if I have the opportunity to present this multimedia project in a critical but supportive environment, why shouldn't I take that opportunity as a dry run or test subject for a larger project of the same scope, probably incorporating those images and words?

Now, to add "learn photography" to my never ending list of "things to do when i get copious amounts of free time." Riiiiiiight.

Ramble On....

Just a mild-mannered (ha!) collection of fragments and snippets that have been winding around my brain for a few days now. Keeping them on hand for possible later inclusion into other works of art/garbage.

I don't wanna be the one whining along with the mindless lyrics - I want to be the one who grabs life by the balls and writes her own lyrics; full of meaning, sound and words that express feelings millions of angsty teenagers can't quite seem to commit to paper. Hell - do teenagers even know what paper is anymore? I hear it all the time: "I'm so sad...I don't remember what it's like to feel." The problem is, you never really learned to begin with. Hop off of your computer, your cell phone, your IJunk and your whateverthefuck and grab a pen and just start writing. You'd be amazed how much you feel when you just put the ink on the page and get it over with...

-----
He walked in with a death sentence hanging over his head. You'd never know it by looking at him, but he was a tough, vibrant dog - full of life and energy in his day. Today was not his day and he was here to die.

-----------------
I'm always on the lookout for that Humane Society Worker Jackpot(tm). That golden ticket to actually changing the world. I'll keep my eyes peeled as I'm working my way along the winding country roads and rural routes in drowsy little hamlets all over the county, just looking for that box of unwanted, discarded puppies or kittens. The sad thing is, years of doing the same bloody, painful, mind-numbing work have taught me one thing: People aren't kind enough to give their unwanted kittens and puppies even the courtesy of a cardboard box. No, people are much more cruel than that. They trade away their eco-friendly three-times recycled cardboard for a plastic bag. A plastic bag. Something that costs less than 10 cents to manufacture and no thought at all to throwing out. These people who are so keen on saving mother nature and curing the planet of all her ills don't even see fit to give these animals a fighting chance. Instead, they write that unwanted litter off as just one more loss, tossing them out the windows of their green little hybrids, zooming along these lonely country roads at 100 miles per hour. And you wonder why I've lost faith in the human race.

-------
It isn't the blood, the guts or the gore that bother me. It's that unmistakable, undeniable smell of death. It clings to your hair and skin, hiding fast behind a veil of slick, green disinfectant. The smell of total obliteration that even the stiffest drink and strongest shower can't wash away. It burrows in tight beneath your fingernails, digging in its claws, the pungent aroma of rot that seemingly begins even before death and lingers on long after. And it sticks with you, searing images on the front of your eyeballs that can't be undone. Some days I wonder if I didn't pick the wrong fucking profession.
-----------------------
We're not given the courtesy of flashing red lights to indicate that we are doing something important, that we are on our way to save lives. Instead, we're consigned to late-night runs on major highways, driving down forgotten routes hoping to God or anyone who is listening that we'll make it to the clinic on time. And hoping we're not noticed - not noticed by the stars, the gods, the heavens above and most of all, unnoticed by the state highway patrol who don't see the cause as just or noble. To them, we're not doing anything important. We're not saving lives. Around here, in little old middle america, we're just another schmuck doing 30 over the speed limit at 4 AM. We're watching the clock as they write the ticket, hoping they'll just save the roadside lecture and wrist slap for another time: To them, it's just another dog. But we know different: to us, it's an old friend come home at the worst of times in the worst of shapes. An old friend begging for help. And we're the only ones who listen.
-----------------------------
Sometimes I feel like giving up, giving in. And then I realize: I've got nothing left to give. I've given it all away. I give it all up every day for others who have even less than I do and I spread myself so thin that it's a wonder I don't rip into two more often. How can you give up, give in, when you've got nothing left to give? You can't. So you do the only logical thing: Keep going.

Free write, August 30, 2010

In the off chance that you're reading this, the world looks funny today. Green looks like red and yellow looks like green. And in the off chance you're hearing me, the sound of your voice reminds me of a pickle. It's sour and briny with just a hint of tart, the perfect beginning to a late afternoon meal consisting of sour cream and nachos with a pitcher of tea that's been brewing all day to wash down the acrid words. And in the off chance you're not listening, I'm not hearing you quite correctly because everything sounds like it's underwater and you're muffled and funny and not quite right but I love you anyway. And in the off chance you see me, consider carefully that you just don't look the same. Your ears are too big for your head and your head is too big for your neck but the whole thing is dwarfed by the rest of your body so it doesn't really matter anyway because your ears are proportionate with your torso but not the rest of your head which is too tiny to fit anyway so it never looks like it quite belongs, kind of like you and me because we're never sure we quite belong so we sit and we think and we plod along the edge of a ballfield or the public square, wondering if we should be here or go because we never feel like we quite belong but for different reasons, you and me, we feel both awkward and entitled. You feel different like you don't belong because you do belong here - you've belonged here all your life and know the ins and outs of the system, the basic hustle and bustle of the everyday life of the general Nelsonville native. I feel like a big fish swimming around in a tiny plastic bag - both too big for the bag and the small supply of water that's been dumped uncerimoniously in here for me to swim around in but also like i might suffocate to death very slowly if someone doesn't let me out of this damned plastic bag soon. I feel like a goldfish because my memory is failing me, baby. I can't quite seem to remember - is it me or is it you? Do you remember the first night we met? You said you'd never met anyone quite like me. I'm telling you now, darling. You'd be hard pressed to find anyone quite like me because I'm a genetic abnormality, an abberation that never quite should have happened and doubtless will happen again. I'm more than one but less than nothing and everything around me seems to suffer in the process. It really is just better if you put me out of your mind, out of my mind, and cease thinking about me altogether because when people get involved, people get hurt and when people get hurt it's usually my fault even though I don't mean for it to happen, I'm just off like that. And even now, when I'm trying to write, have BEEN trying to write because writing is what pays the bills, even now as I try to write and keep my INTERNAL EDITOR out of it all, I can't quite seem to manage. I tell myself to just keep typing, just keep going, just keep writing but I find myself going back to fix glaring mistakes in the words, fix the words that aren't right because I edit as I go. But the problem is I keep miswriting words because my brain moves faster than my fingers and I can barely keep up with it - if my mind starts plodding along at a soothing 1000000 billion million gazillion miles an hour, I can't stop it, can't shut it down, but also can't keep up with my fingers. I leave out words, letters, I get sloppy and the meaning is changed. And it's all about the meaning, right? So if I leave off the words at the end of a paragraph, forget the articles and helper words and leave off the letters at the ends of words, does it really all still mean the same? That's why I get pissed off when you half-ass your way through everything and everything still manages to be okay - because I can't just skip parts and leave them out and have everything be okay - it bugs me and irritates me and I end up ripping it all apart to do over again 100 percent, but you take shortcuts and everything's alright - just ask little red riding hood how taking shortcuts ends up.It isn't good man, and one of these days it's gonna kill you. If I don't first from the frustration of it all. Does doing a good job matter anymore? Does doing things right, taking your time, putting yourself into the work, putting pride in your work and actually WORKING matter anymore? Or is it half-ass slacker city where the bums rule the show and those of us who actually give a toss about anything get slobbered on because we're the ones in the wrong? Tell me, why don't you?

My Internal Reporter's Questions and Answers

Do you know who you are - you, who whispers so silently among the trees?
Do you know where you go - where, in the light of day no footfalls can conquer?
Do you know how you work - the ins, the outs, the inbetweens?

I don't know you anymore, the faded echo of a broken dream
I don't know where you have gone, except to say you're never here.
I don't know how you work - you've changed the rules on me, it seems.

How did we get so far from here, our mouldered slice of the American Dream?
What did we do to earn out share, a piling heap of misery?
When did I cease to know you anymore?
Who did I become, when I failed to know myself?

I don't have all the answers - I don't know how far we've come.
I don't know where we are anymore - I didn't care to look.
I don't know how time crept upon me, obscuring my line of sight,
I don't know what I was thinking, when I let my mind take flight.

Where are all the answers? I truly want to know.
How do I find the source of these pains, the ones I can't even show?

Don't ask me. I'm just a girl with some questions.
But if you'll oblige, I'm dying to know.
Let me get a pen....

Have you ever wondered what it feels like to just not care any more? Wondered what it would feel like if just for a moment you could let go of it all - your school, your work, your family, your friends, your pets, your obligations, your responsibilities and your restrictions - if you could let go of it all and do something entirely unthinkable that would send everything up in a cloud of ash and smoke?

I do.

Did you ever wonder what it's like to have something, some big giant glowing sign that tells everyone else to back off? That you're trying your hardest? That you feel like a drowning man trying to grasp air, breaking the surface for a mere fraction of a second before being pulled down again? Did you ever wonder what it was like if you didn't have to maintain decorum and just tell people what you really thought? How you really felt?

I do.

And did it ever occur to you what you might look like if you finally let what was on the inside show through to the outside? Did you ever want to express all the pain, hurt, rage and uncomfortable, angry truths that are boiling inside because it wouldn't be okay, wouldn't be polite to let them out?

I sometimes think of it. And I'm pretty sure I'd look just the same as I look now - worn out, tired, scarred. Scared. Miserable. Feeling lost, hopeless, alone and without a friend in the world. Because the people I thought were friends really aren't....the people I thought I could trust really aren't trustworthy. It's something I've been learning over and over again for the past four...five...six...seven...eight years now. Because just when you're certain there are people you can rely on, depend on, count on, trust and confide in.....it all goes to shit.

And you're left standing alone. Labeled. Put into a nice neat little box and forgotten about because you aren't worth their time unless there's something wrong.

Maybe my problem is I've been valuing the people in my life who are worthless and not paying enough attention to those people who, time and again, have proven that they're with me for the long haul. Maybe I need to open my eyes a little more and figure that out.

Maybe I just need to wave a big fuck you to everyone and jump off the face of the planet for a while.

How can I trust myself to figure out who I can trust if I can't even figure out the simplest things any more?

How can I trust you if I can't trust myself? How can I trust myself if I am continually let down time and again by those I put my trust in, making me question why I trust in my own judgment ever?

Why does it feel like a big, cyclical, circular logic puzzle that I'll never figure out. The same phrase bandied about by angsty teenagers time and again, scribbled in the back of notebooks and posted on bedroom mirrors - people are shit and the only person you can trust is yourself. So why am I trying to pull other people out of the mire? Why am I trying so hard to keep ahold of the things that are hurting me?

Seriously, why?

My Pedigree Hails From Mechanics

Thud thud kerthunk kerthunk
The sounds the old clunker of an engine -
the remains of my oil-rotted heart beating
so heavily in my chest as I hoist your words
from a piece of heavy machinery,
trying to dissect, to discern, to theorize and postulate
what exactly I did wrong.

Your heart is purring like the engine
in a well-maintained collector's
fifty-nine Cadillac.
The noise and rumble is entirely different
than the fading beats of the Model-T
that takes up long-empty garage space
in my chest cavity.

I imagine God is much like a small boy
with a set of toy cars to play with
and brightly painted inter-locking track
with which he plays out our lives
as nothing more than a game,
setting us up on a miniature collision course,
our two cars humming for disaster at every turn
and squealing and giggling with delight as we slam together
at the most awkwardly constructed loop on the course.

And on the worst of days,
I feel like you've resigned me to my fate
and retired me to the junkyard
for people to pick over my body for parts,
varied and sundry amusements and accouterments of days gone by.
Hands of strangers poking and prodding,
wondering if my leather interior is real.
Of course it is.

And an oil leak that will never cease
keeps pouring out from under my hood,
lubrication flows freely
as you rev my engine,
taking me out of neutral and all the way into overdrive.
Motor mount tears fall to the asphalt,
as you drive on without me.

Love Note From a Suicide

Don't ask, just don't. I've been channeling the late great E.A. Poe as of late and I've always been a morbid person. Emotions bubble up when you don't want them to and don't always come in the form you wish they would. I don't want to have to put a suicide disclaimer on every piece of work I write that's morbid or from the perspective of someone dead and long gone - so let it be said now: I am not suicidal, I am not contemplating suicide. I write what comes to me. And as the light shone golden upon the trees of this small Appalachian town, as I sat in the car and felt the arid breeze upon my face, the words struck with full force. And this is the result.


"Love Note From a Suicide."

Here I sit upon a ledge
looking down so far,
my hands are torn from gripping the edge,
I wonder when I will fall.
I fell not once, but twice for you
my efforts gone unseen;
I fell and dropped and climbed again
among countless other deeds.
And now I sit on edge again,
wondering how far I'll go
to keep your eye and have your heart,
a love I will never again know.

I jump again and laugh as I fall,
floating so free above.
I speak these words to you my dear,
now on the wings of a dove.
Listen so closely to the wind,
and feel my heartfelt shame,
the rains will come soon to this place
to wash away my name.
All that's left of me is yours my love,
floating on the skies,
I regret the words I never spoke:
whispering them only in cries.

Let go of your ledge and jump with me,
falling opposite: up to the sky.
Feel my laughter and hear my pain
carried by wings on high.
I loved you then,
I love you still,
but now you shy away.
Never forget the words we spoke
upon that heat-sickened day:
"Never another,
Never again:
This spot in my heart is all yours."
Words you take for granted now,
my monument stuck in the ground.

You were never brave enough,
to storm those seas of blood:
the battle you said you'd wage for me:
a battle you'd never begun.
Let it be known that even now,
as I hover above this land,
my heart was never aught but yours,
Yours, my sad little man.

Grieve not now at the loss of me,
the love you gave away,
Feel nothing but the heart of she,
she who begs you to stay.
The world is no less vibrant now
without me in your life.
Spare me not another thought,
go home and comfort your wife.

I never meant to fall for you,
although I'm glad I did.
I didn't mean to fall so far
that I fell right off the grid.
I fell so fast, and broke so hard,
there's nothing left but dust:
Never forget, my dear little muse,
I left you because I must.

It wasn't my grip that loosed the edge,
I didn't want that end,
But the thought of our broken pledge,
made my will take bend.
Without resolve and the comfort of you,
I slowly lost my mind.
All that's left to speak of now
are butterfly wings frozen in time.

Mourn not for me, my lion dear,
remember deep in your heart
the love we had was always doomed
and fated from the start.
Cry not for me, hold onto she,
the one you've been looking for.
I could never have given you that,
although I offered you more.

Fear not my darling at my demise
you only must turn your head
turn your ear on a warm summer night
and listen to the skies:
There I whisper and there I remain
so memorialized by the Gods,
my feelings for you remain unchanged,
though my body rots beneath sod.

So long as I lived, I promised you
I would try to find a way:
I failed my goal and I let go
But I still love you all the same.

I'm Not.

If you were to peel back the layers of who I am,
you would not want to know me.
Flay flesh from muscle,
rend muscle from bone,
tear through the viscera
and what would you find?
Like a dog's stomach on X-ray
a misshapen mass of
errata that should not exist.
Bits of brick and mortar
stone and sand
the crushed shells of those
who tried to get inside.
A writhing, dark mass
of depression that just won't
be calmed by antacids.
A small light spot on the X-ray film,
is it a mistake, a problem with the film?
Or is it hope? Clawing forth from the gaping maw?
Who is to say
That you ever really knew me at all?
There's only one way to find out.
Grab a scalpel and go.

It Was Only Because I Loved You

You:
You are the Arthur to my Morgana. You are the promises broken and the skies turned gray, heavy with clouds. My tears burst forth, oozing a thick, pendulous sadness that lingers in the air around me. What am I to say to you? What left is there to say, but to recall better times of bitter memories with a sorrow so sweet it tastes like cherry cordial on my lips?

Howling to the moon in anguish, I am an elm tree on the exterior - smooth bark and twisting trunk, holding steady at the root, trying to keep it together because I'm just as much of a danger to you as you are to me. Inside, rotting away, picked at little by little by these termite-like thoughts. I am not as strong and steady and rooted as I may seem: A caress just as well as a kick could knock me to the ground.

And how can I say this to you? My lion, my pride? How can I play these words off my tongue so as not to offend, so as not to cause you any more agony than I already have? How do I say these words that I have said not once, not twice, but so many times before? How can I make these wishes true, how can I make a spark come alive, when you want nothing more to do with me than a living body to warm your bed on the cold nights when my soul howls like the coyotes, a plaintive plainsong that echoes through the corridors of my very being, rattling me? How can I say this all to you when your eyes lay elsewhere?

Not once, but many times, I have felt your hands upon me. Not once, but a thousand times have you whispered words in my ears that could make a courtesan blush and a priest bow in humility. Not once, but forever, you promised I would have a spot in your heart - yes, a spot, my love. Something to be scrubbed at time and time again, a blemish on an otherwise perfect life - a spot that won't come out no matter what bedamned way you try.

And maybe I did myself in - maybe I fell too hard, too fast. Can you blame me? You're so full of yourself sometimes, your life so full of promise as you look onward past me, toward her, toward your new life, that you fail to see what you leave behind: and listen close, I will admit this only once - you leave behind the saddened little girl who is frustrated, hurt, angry and confused because she is being denied something that worked so well, when she tried to behave so good.

In moving on, you leave me behind - clutching the tattered strings of a tapestry quickly unweaving around me, the threads pulling and bursting as you walk and run faster, and farther, away from the life we could have had -- had only one of us been brave, had only one of us spoken up. But which of us did that burden fall to? I cannot say, I cannot lay fault. I won't.

My eyes well up as I write this....you're always so near and it stings and pricks at me, my blood buzzing in my ears like a hive of angry bees. You don't even know what we could have been, because you wouldn't even try.

And now I must let go - I know I do. I guess, somewhere, somehow, I always knew I would. I always knew, in the back of my heart, in the back of my head, that you would find any reason that I would be unsuitable for you. Wrong age, wrong weight, wrong religion, wrong touch, wrong love, wrong feeling, wrong everything and anything. It could have been anything and you would have found a reason -- because I am not the one you wanted and I never was.

I'm just sorry I ever allowed myself to admit that I wanted you in my life in a way you would never understand, with a maddening desire you only felt the most barbed, poisoned tip of. I'm sorry that I let myself open to you, feinted when I should have parried, and never ever struck back. I opened parts of myself to you that no one 'fore or since or again will have...the more esoteric pieces of my being and more of the physical ones as well. I offered you the world, but the world I offered wasn't well enough - and I can understand that, I suppose.

I remember those words you whispered in my ear, those tearful moments of confessions, of words not wanting to be spoken but pouring out anyway. Deer crowding the highway, you confessed. And so did I. And those words I can't take back haunt me, because if I could, I would steal them and horde them away, a dragon with a treasure in the most cliched manner. But I am left empty - in heart, in body. My soul aches. It all aches.

My heart is sliced to pieces now, ribbons to sway in the chilled wind that forces its way through my veins, ribbons floating on air where I used to harbor so much warmth and love. I'm sorry for the hurt I caused......it was only because I loved you.

Do I really need a title?

Bare skin laid out
with a cold inhale
taut muscle ensconced
within yielding flesh.
Will I ever see you again?
I don't know.
Sigh once more
and enjoy this moment
to echo against the mirrors of your mind
again and again
driving you mad
until I must,
simply must,
feel you again
My Love.

Snippet

There are so many times
I sit and stare
out a window frosted over with grease:
Why you?
Why me?
Why here?
Floating on electrical currents
carried by giant monsters constructed
of steel and wood
and powered by the longing that I feel
to go away, to be gone, to get, to go.
Jolting right back into my body,
my tears have long since ceased:
I can't cry over it anymore.
When is it ever easy to realize
It's not you.
It's not me.
It's not us.
It's not here.
It's just not here.
Not for us.

Dust and Delinquents: A Ten Minute Play

I have been suffering from wicked-bad writer's block brought about by writing technical articles all day.

I also had an assignment due for class.


This is what happened. Brace yourselves.

Dust and Delinquents: A Ten-Minute Post Apocalyptic Tale of Tragedy, Love, Coming of Age, Incest, Nuclear Fallout and Violence – Lots of Violence.

By Caitlin Seida

Time: Post-Apocalyptic Alternate Present Day

Characters:

JOHN – The chameleon protagonist who isn't all that he seems.
CINDY – The crass, tough, trash-talking daughter of the town's mayor.

MARK – Cindy's lecherous brother.

JENNY – Cindy's automaton of a sister.

JOSH – Cindy's other brother.

AUNT SALLY – Cindy's practical, if misguided, aunt.

UNCLE BILLY – A tactical-minded gruff figure, Cindy's uncle.

MINISTER – A public official who isn't sure he's always in the right.

TOWNSPEOLE: White, upper-middle class citizens.

LOPEZ'S MEN: People of color eeking out an existance in the destroyed town where they've been marginalized.

ACT 1 SCENE 1: The Street

A blanket lays beneath an alcove carved by the crumbling remains of a building. Mist blankets the area. Two teenagers, JOHN and CINDY, lay on the blanket. Their faces are streaked with mud, their patched, threadbare clothing splattered with gore. Guns and backpacks sit beside them.

CINDY: Just kiss me. It doesn't matter any more.

JOHN: It matters to me. (He reaches out out to touch her. She grabs him and kisses him. JOHN pulls away in shock.)

CINDY: We've lost everything – parents, friends, everything. And you're going to hold out on losing one of two things we've got left –

JOHN: What? Two things?

CINDY: Yeah, John, follow me here. Two things. Our lives and my virginity.

JOHN sits in stunned silence.

JOHN: And you want me to...

CINDY: Yeah, unless you were planning to whore me out...I'm not like the other girls, John. After the bomb struck and everything fell away, the other girls rolled over onto their backs like dogs in heat, begging for it, waiting for someone to come and claim them in hopes of protection. And now what do they have? Jessica from the pharmacy? She's dead – beaten to an inch of her life by her brand new pimp, you know, Silas from the gas station? Yeah, he thought he'd make a killing gathering up all the girls who were willing. And he did – you know, make a killing. (She pauses. John is not amused.)

CINDY: (Shouting) What I'm trying to say is this – I don't give a fuck what you want right now. I'm a grown woman by primal standards – I've had tits and been bleeding monthly for years now. I'm upset, hurt, angry and scared and all I want is a little goddamned comfort and if you won't give me that (She pauses.)
JOHN: (whispers) And what if I won't give you that?

CINDY: If you won't give me that, then I'm going to have to look elsewhere. I thought you actually gave a shit. (She stands, spits some debris from her mouth and looks around.)

NOISES rumble in the distance. A SIREN begins wailing.

CINDY: Shit! (She grabs her gun and runs off stage. JOHN follows suit.)

ACT 1 SCENE 2: The Church

JOHN and CINDY are huddled in a dimly lit, desecrated church. Broken glass, wood and holy wreckage surround them. CINDY is perched by a window. She has her gun in hand, poised to move.

JOHN: What's going on?

CINDY: I haven't got the slightest clue. Canadians, again, I guess. They started raiding the town right after we were bombed. Or the migrants – they took over after they realized all the rich white folks were dead. Lopez – your parent's former gardener – is something of a warlord now. All the women who were deemed fit were rounded up for the breeding program, you know, to repopulate the fucking planet. I'm sorry, but I'm not sure I want to live in a world populated from those bit– You should know all this. Where the fuck have you been for the past six months?

JOHN: Running away. Then you found me stuck under that building...you saved me.

CINDY: Well don't get all starry eyed on me, Johnnyboy. I'd kill you in a heartbeat if you turned on me.

TWO MEN step out of the alcoves of the church. They are covered head-to-toe in combat gear. They move toward CINDY, who is still looking out the window. They seize her.

CINDY: HEY! HEY! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU--- (Her cries fall silent as one of the men knocks her over the head. He turns to JOHN.)

MAN: Thank you so much for returning our dear, darling sister to us. She's been causing so much trouble as of late.

(CINDY'S BROTHER tosses JOHN a pack of food and some coins. John lets them fall at his feet. He looks down.)

JOHN: Shit.

CURTAIN

ACT 2 SCENE 1: Cindy's Bedroom

CINDY lays on a normal looking bed in a normal looking house. Thick curtains are drawn over the windows, obscuring the world outside. CINDY is asleep, but has been cleaned up. She is now wearing a white summer sun dress. CINDY'S BROTHER sits beside her bed. He is wearing a suit and tophat, a walking cane resting beside him.

CINDY: (mumbles, tossing in her sleep.)

CINDY'S BROTHER: There, there, sister. You'll be fine soon enough. (He caresses her cheek. His hand moves lower. Cindy grabs it and bolts half upright.

CINDY: Excuse you?

CINDY'S BROTHER: (laughing, he twists his arm from her grip and smacks her across the face.) Nice to see you awake, sis. The family figured we'd have to go through with it while you were unconscious.

CINDY: The family? Mark, what the hell are you going on about? And what the hell are you wearing?

MARK: Cindy, you can't just run off and start playing renegade “Rambo-Meets-Florence-Nightengale.” We were above the rest of the town and we still are.

CINDY: You died. Mom died. Dad was killed. I saw it.... (she starts to move from the bed, but is pushed down with the tip of MARK'S cane.)

MARK: You did. Mom's dead. Dad was killed by the townspeople he was supposed to keep safe – what good is a mayor when he can't keep order? The rest of us are still very much alive, though. I scraped by, so did Jenny and Josh. Aunt Sally and Uncle Bill have been running the house since Mummy and Daddy's unfortunate end. But this town needs order.

CINDY again tries to move. MARK lunges, and is atop her.

MARK: (whispers) And the town can't have order without rulers, Cindy. You'd make an excellent one – your tactical skills are horrid, I caught you after all. But I caught you. And you're going to rule beside me.

CINDY struggles, trying to push MARK off of her. She screams. MARK kisses her.

JENNY and AUNT SALLY enter. Running to the bed, AUNT SALLY taps MARK on the back.

AUNT SALLY: Not now, Mark. You'll have time enough for that later. (She smiles endearingly at CINDY. CINDY growls.)

AUNT SALLY: Come, dear, I think we have a little bit of explaining to do.

ACT TWO SCENE TWO: The Dining Room

AUNT SALLY, JENNY and CINDY sit around a dining room table. AUNT SALLY and JENNY are drinking tea from delicate cups. CINDY has coffee in a mug and is trying to light a cigarette with trembling hands.

JENNY: You shouldn't smoke, Cin. Mom and dad would have killed you.

CINDY: (bitter) Well mom and dad aren't here, now are they? Bitch.

AUNT SALLY: You'd do well to speak less and listen more, Cindy. Things have changed around here. (She takes the cigarette away, crushing it.) And insubordination won't be tolerated.

CINDY sits in stunned silence.

AUNT SALLY: In the months since White Haven was destroyed, we've made a tidy little life here. We've kept our own safe – your cousins, your uncle Bill and myself, your sister and brothers. We've got ample food stores and we've amassed a group of supporters willing to fight for us, to restore order. But we're missing a figure-head for our movement, something that can give the remaining citizens hope. A model couple – the Kennedies of the New World Order. We can't give you white picket fences, Cindy, but you can give them that hope – a young, capable white woman, married to a strong, capable white leader. A family, a united front.

CINDY: (She sits silent for a while.) What the hell have you been smoking?

JENNY: Cindy, I married Josh. We tried to be what was needed, but it isn't going to happen. I inherited mom's hostile womb – Doctor Freidman figured that one out when I was examined. But you're strong and healthy – headstrong, just like Mark. And you're a virgin.

CINDY: (hysterical) How the hell did you know? And what the hell are you talking about? You married Josh? He's our BROTHER! And so is Mark! And I am sixteen goddamn years old, I am not squeezing out a few puppies and playing house with my own BROTHER!!!!

UNCLE BILLY enters, a gruff, imposing figure. JOHN is in tow, cleaned up and carrying a plate of food. JOHN sits the food on the table, silent. He averts his gaze.

CINDY stands and lunges for him. She is held back by JENNY.

CINDY: YOU! You little rat. You fiend. You – you – you FUCKING JUDAS!

UNCLE BILLY sets a hand on CINDY'S shoulder, pushing her back into her chair.

UNCLE BILLY: Don't blame the boy, Cindy. He was just doing what we all are doing – trying to stay alive. He's been working for us. I figured since you two were dating before the bomb struck, I'd take the lad in.

CINDY fumes, lighting up another cigarette. UNCLE BILLY plucks it from her fingers just as it reaches her lips. He puts it out in JENNY'S cup of tea.

UNCLE BILLY: It's too late to gather White Haven for the wedding. But you're going to marry Mark tomorrow, Cindy. No arguing, no complaints, no but's about it. You've got tonight to make your peace with the idea. And don't try to run....I've got eyes all over this place.

UNCLE BILLY pats JOHN'S back and EXITS.

AUNT SALLY: Escort her to her room, boy. And see that she doesn't leave.

JOHN offers his arm to CINDY. CINDY scorns it and shoves him, EXITING.

JOHN shrugs and follows.

ACT TWO SCENE THREE: Cindy's Bedroom

John sits beside CINDY's bed, where Mark had earlier. He slumps in the chair. CINDY sits cross-legged on the bed, muttering.

CINDY: (whispering) Why John? Why?

JOHN: I did what I had to, Cindy. I did what I had--

CINDY: (voice rising) You knew about all of this?

JOHN: Yes. And your brother is twice the man I'll ever be. (He buries his face in his hands)

CINDY: You're both about even in my book.

JOHN: I love you, Cindy. (his voice cracks, he's crying.)

CINDY: You sure have a funny fucking way of showing it.

JOHN: I just....When your uncle showed me how it was going to work, when he promised me it would all be better....I just want everything back to normal Cindy. Even if it means living on the shadows of your life. I just want everything to be okay.

CINDY: “Okay” and “normal” are two different things. Normal is not going to happen – not now, not ever. Not for a long time. Okay? Well...this isn't okay. I loved you, too, John. And this is so not okay.

JOHN: You, you did? Really?

CINDY: (crying) Yes. I did. It was some Romeo and Juliet style-bullshit. You want to know the difference? Romeo died before he could turn into a backstabbing, drunken asshole and Juliet offed herself instead of growing up, growing fat, popping out a few babies and bringing Romeo his nightly beer before he beat her. And if I could, I swear to the fucking God on high I would kill you right now if I had even the slightest ch--

JOHN cuts her off with a kiss.

CINDY freezes, and slaps him, but doesn't pull away.

JOHN kisses her. His hands roam her body. The lay on the bed.

A sheer curtain falls, showing only their silhouettes moving. John pulls away from CINDY for a moment.

JOHN (from behind the sheer curtian): If I make this okay, will we be okay?

CINDY: If you make this okay, we'll be fantastic.

JOHN: Then this is what we're going to do.

The curtain sets to pleasant sighs and grunts. STAGE LIGHTS dim.

JOHN WHISPERS from the darkness: Didn't think you'd be that good...

A cigarette strikes to light in the darkness.

CINDY: Didn't think you'd go off that quick. What's the plan?

JOHN (his voice fades as he speaks) I'll bring the supplies. Make sure no one helps you get ready tomorrow for the wedding. Be ready for anything we're going to...

CURTAIN

ACT THREE SCENE ONE: Cindy's Bedroom

JOHN is asleep on the chair, his hair and clothing rumpled. CINDY is asleep, similarly disheveled. MARK creeps into the room. JOHN stirs, but doesn't awaken.

MARK creeps to CINDY's side and pulls the covers away. He looks at her, grinning and rubbing his hands together.

MARK climbs into bed next to his sister. CINDY awakens with a shout. JOHN snorts and jostles awake. He turns away from the scene, not without regret.

MARK: Can't I just get a little taste of what's going to be mine, dear?

CINDY: You're creepy, Mark. But....

With a great effort and look of disgust, she kisses MARK.

MARK's hands move to touch her. CINDY pulls away.

CINDY: No more, Mark. Don't you want your bride fresh and new for her wedding? And...(she lowers her voice, trailing a finger down Mark's chest idly) after the wedding?

MARK grins and jumps out of bed. He kisses CINDY's forehead.

MARK: Until then, my little dove.

MARK EXITS, whistling.

CINDY: That was disgusting.

JOHN: You're a good actor.

CINDY: It was still disgusting.

JOHN: You'll get him back. Do you remember the plan?

CINDY nods.

JOHN: Then just stick to it. We'll make it through this.

CINDY reaches out and grasps JOHN's hand.

JOHN: Thank you.

CINDY: For what?

JOHN: For not killing me. For what I had to do...

CINDY: You're not off the hook yet. (She kisses him.)

CURTAIN

ACT THREE SCENE TWO: The Wedding

DAWN. OUTDOORS. Townspeople are gathered around the public square. All white. A gang of disheveled brigands circles, looking antsy. The “brigands” are of every race but white. The dichotomy is clear.

A wedding march sounds from a badly played flute. A minister stands at the center of the square. UNCLE BILLY enters, with CINDY on his arm. CINDY is dressed in a wedding gown, fully veiled. Her hands are clutched to her stomach. She walks stiffly.

MARK stands next to the minister.

CINDY is walked down the “aisle” and left to stand next to her brother. Her other brother stands beside MARK. JENNY stands beside CINDY.

The minister clears his throat.

MINISTER: Let's make this quick. (he pulls his collar) You can't rush God's work, but you can certainly put a rush order on it. (He motions to the brigands and nods.)

MINISTER: Do you, MARK, take CINDY to be your beloved wife? To have and to hold, to cherish and love, to protect and honor, as long or as short as you both shall live?

CINDY snorts with laughter. JENNY pats her back, mistaking it for tears.

MARK: I do. And then some. (His hands fall to CINDY's hips, pulling her close.)

MINISTER (clears his throat again): Do you, CINDY, take MARK to have and to hold, to love and cherish, to submit to and serve, as long or as short as you both shall live?

CINDY (in a shaky voice): I do.

MINISTER: And you attest that until now, you have been untouched by another? That you remain pure and good, innocent for your future husband?

CINDY: Yes.

MINISTER (pulling at his collar.): By entering into this union, you both agree, that of your own free will, you will serve as this town's leaders, protectors and progenitors. You both agree, of your own free will, that you will work to restore and replenish the lives we have lost, and in this union, create new ones for as long as you both are able?

MARK (irrtated): We do. This isn't a legal proceeding. We spend less time on hangings. Hurry up. (his hands roam CINDY's body. She stands motionless.)

MINISTER: Then by the power invested in me by the citizens of White Haven and our Lord above, I now pronounce you husband and wife. MARK, you may kiss your bride.

The TOWNSPEOLE cheer. Mark lifts CINDY's veil and kisses her, deeply. CINDY bites his lip. He pulls away in pain)

MARK: You little bitch!

He moves to strike her. CINDY pulls a knife from the stomach area of the bodice of her gown and runs him through. MARK falls to the ground, dead.

In the commotion, the townspeople are overtaken by the brigands. JOHN fights his way through the crowd. CINDY is shredding her dress, making it easier to move in. She wears combat boots beneath her gown, now sliced and hacked to bits. JOHN carries their packs and guns from earlier. He tosses CINDY her supplies.

JOHN: I told you I'd make it okay. Lopez wanted a pretty penny, but your Uncle Bill won't miss it.

CINDY: And I told you I'd kill you if you ever backstabbed me.

CINDY points the gun in JOHN'S direction, taking aim.

JOHN: But, Cindy....

CINDY lowers the gun, and pulls him in for a kiss.

CINDY: You're forgiven. Silly boy. It may not be normal, but it is okay. Be mine forever?

The scuffle is over, the citizens of White Haven having succumbed to Lopez's men. The TOWNSEOPLE lay dead and dying. LOPEZ's MEN watch, silent.

JOHN: Always.

CINDY kisses him deeply. She picks up her boquet and tosses it into the crowd of LOPEZ'S MEN. They cheer.

JOHN wraps his arm around CINDY and they EXIT, followed by the cheering band of men, some of whom are weeping.

CURTAIN

Fin.

I am...

....extremely tired. I am feeling not quite myself. I am trying to decide what to write about for my creative non-fiction assignment.

The two week power outage and ice storm last year the likes of which reminded me of a Laura Ingalls Wilder tale?

Something a little more seedy and seamy? Specifically my life as a teenager.

Something a little more mundane - the incident that prompted me to get into animal care?

Something a little more vindictive - the tale of my crazy ex-roommates, which is almost too unbelievable?

On Self Doubt

Print: Luis Royo "Medusa's Gaze" from "Subversive Beauty"

"It's all right for a woman to be, above all, human. I am a woman first of all." - Anais Nin

I am beautiful, but I have cried countless years away
with my face pressed into a pillow, screaming and screaming away
because I can't understand
why the world doesn't recognize it.

I am beautiful. I have curves.
They zig and zag,
they twist and turn.
Twist those hips, mama,
and watch the boys go running.....
….in the opposite direction.

I am a plastic princess made of polyvinylacrylate,
with seams running down the backs of my legs,
and underwear molded permanently in place.
Unless I'm not going anywhere.
And I never am.

I am an ice queen melting from the inside out.
Can't you tell by the saddened expression
and the moisture falling down my face?
It hurts.

I am recognized for many things:
My heart, my brain, my knowledge
The speed at which my fingers fly across the keys
and the words that tumble onto the page.

But I'm never one of the girls.
I'm always that weird little
Braniac Freak who's just one of the guys.

I'm not beautiful to you.
I'm a co-conspirator, a helper, a henchman, a minion.
Sometimes I'm an evil genius.
But I'm never one of your
beautiful people.

My beauty is not delicate.
I am not small. I am not timid.
My beauty is fierce, roaring into the room
with fangs and claws and a whirl of
monochromatic cacophonous shrieks.

I am not Monroe. I am not Bardot.
I am not Garbo and I am not Lake.
I am the love child of Clara Bow
and Anais Nin with a side of
Manson thrown in for spite.
I am a Luis Royo painting come to life.
I am scary. I am angry. I am bittersweet.
I am fierce. I am beautiful.

I suck at updating this everyday. To be fair, I have been writing. Just nothing creative. So much of my day is spent writing. My stuff is on Livestrong, eHow, Answerbag, The Daily Puppy, Garden Guides..

Click on the links to see just a few examples. Google my pen name for more. I write all day, everyday. And I get paid to do it. And I'm cool with that.

I don't often write under my own name when it comes to my job, because one wrong edit and the information could be deadly. I'm aiming for a career in animal health. I don't want a mis-type to come back to bite me in the ass. Hence the pen name.

Sometimes I do write under my own name. This article on the difference between polygamy, bigamy and polyamory is one example of that. When I write under my own name, they're usually editorial pieces. Or local interest stories, like the one about the photography studio and gallery I call my "safe haven." I'll even throw up a piece on the local Humane Society every now and then. I also write for the local Humane Society's blog.

My writing is all over the internet. It's just kind of scattered. The subject matter is scattered too. I have a few other gigs that I'm not comfortable relaying. I write every day - just not for pleasure. And that's the problem.

I've started contemplating entering the Hollis Summers Poetry Prize contest from Ohio University. They're local, and I've got about 3/4 of the poetry needed to enter. I just wish they would be a little more specific on how they would like the poetry manuscripts formatted. One per page? What about the tiny ones? What about this? That? Everything else? I need to write some more. Edit a lot. Pretend I have a will of iron. I don't submit my creative works for publication - I have enough anxiety as it is. Just ask the 23 dusty manuscripts on my bookshelf how they feel.

So yes, I am writing every day (HINT HINT, to my instructor, Denise! I really am! I promise!). Just not what you would expect.

Please bare with me while I work on this "updating more" thing.

Kittens, Kittens, everywhere

There once was a Humane Society worker who lived in a shoe,
she had so many kittens, she didn't know what to do.
She gave them some toys, she petted their heads,
She changed all their litterboxes,
glad they weren't dead.

She rescued these kittens,
with patience and love,
She never met a pet she was intolerant of.

The kittens all grew,
And found their new lives,
With husbands and children and boys and their wives.

Saved from their fate,
They remembered her well,
The humane society worker
Who was stressed all to hell.

That crazy cat lady who lives in a shoe
Still isn't sure she has room for you.
Give it a day, and more kittens will come,
Give it an hour, and she will succumb.

Surrounded by kittens,
From me and from you,
Surrounded by animals,
What is she to do?

Give her a dollar, a moment of time,
Give her an hour, she'll teach you to be kind.
One message she has, so you'll have no regrets:
Please, for the love of god, SPAY AND NEUTER YOUR PETS!

So...Where Do You Live?

"So...Where Do You Live?"

My apartment is the penthouse suite of a fortress in a post-apocalyptic wonderland. All around me, buildings crumble and vines seek to claim what little territory was once theirs – it's true, the earth takes back her own. Brick and mortar and steel and tin all combine in a cacophonous amalgam that reminds me of a cancer on the land – a boil left to fester years ago, now infected and diseased.

Walking out of my neighborhood is easy – two blocks to the front, keep your head down and your gaze averted. Retrieving supplies is simple if you have a vehicle – few of us do. We would make it, if we could work together. Though we share close quarters in our block, we regard each other as strangers. And strangers are a threat, treated with wariness and suspicion.

Necessary functions are made infinitely harder by the security measures we've managed to amass. Walking out – that's the easy part. It's getting back in that's the problem. Walking the dog – the preferred personal security system of the masses – is a tedious chore. You can get out – but can you get back in? It's always a concern that one of our own will be hurt trying to perform a simple, everyday task, struck down by those who take it upon themselves to guard our world.

Upon reentry, you're faced with darkness. The darkness isn't so overwhelming when you're leaving the block. It isn't so apparent as you put the decay behind you. As you walk into the foreboding mile, it overwhelms you – consumes you. Years ago there were streetlights. They're still there – at least, a few of them are. Of the few that remain, only a handful still give light. I think the electric system feeds on despair – the lights always shine brighter in a moment of fear.

Out of the darkness comes the plaintive cry of a kitten or a newborn child – all too many of both litter the streets, barely finding shelter. Out of the darkness comes a band of vigilantes – wielding sharp words and even sharper glass bottles. Are you one of us? Their stares ask the question. One wrong gesture, one wrong movement, one wrong look and, even if you ARE a resident of the block, you might be mistaken for Other. And that means trouble.

The screams don't bother me so much any more – they did when I first moved onto the Block. All night, I could hear the screams. A woman, a child. And dogs, a symphony of howls and cries. Human or animal, the cries are still the same dull groaning of needs unmet: shelter, food, water, safety, love.

Tip-tap your shoes on the bricks, once pulled and molded from the river that still runs through town. Listen to the noises echo, and for a second, you feel the wonder of a child. The world becomes hazy around the edges, and sometimes I think it might not be so bad. Then I open my eyes a little wider.

The bricks are crumbling. The ground itself is sinking. The forest moves in, striking when and where it can. The gaping maws of broken windows turn toward the world. The beckoning sigh of an abandoned shed wafts through the night, settling a little deeper into the resignation that it, too, will soon be gone. Above it all speaks the groaning of the foundations of buildings that should have been condemned long ago – if only there were someone to decree such.

One false step and you will break your neck. I say this out of concern – it's happened to me all too many times. My neck is intact, but I'm worse for wear. There is a constant, drenching dampness in the air, accompanied by the smell of mildew. It might have been the river – but the river is too far off to smell. It's the ground, trying to swallow our Block whole. And I can't blame it. If I were Mother Nature, I'd want to erase my world, too.

The current of fear in the air is palpable. You can reach out and grasp it. The stench of rot hooks you by the nostrils and refuses to let go. Roaches skitter and screech, searching for anything living they can grasp. They, too, have needs. I suspect the needs of the cockroaches are better met than the needs of the residents here in our peaceful little Block. Still, the roaches scatter when you approach them. They're better at this survival game than we are.

It's worse at night. During the day, the sunlight shines on our little slice of the world. It provides illumination, but doesn't diminish the darkness. Even at noon, the despair blocks out the light, giving every house, every person, a forlorn, worn look. Rough edges become rougher. Deep furrows become deeper. And still, the fear and hatred toil on, effortlessly throughout the day and night.

I don't live in a developing country. I don't live on another planet. I don't come from the future and there was no apocalypse. During the day, I live right down the road from a quaint little midwestern Public Square – not so changed from the past that you might expect a square dance or cattle auction to take place at any moment. Or a hanging. Tourists come, but not as much as they once did. We were a disposable city – once the coal dried up, the people stayed. Stayed to suffer.

I don't live in Israel. I don't live in Afghanistan. The armed militants aren't carrying bombs. I don't have to dodge bullets (usually) in fear of my life. This isn't an inner city – it's not the harsh world painted for the streets of New York, London or Tokyo. I live in Ohio. And this is poverty.

Do You Think I Should Try It On?

"Do you think I should try it on?" It's one of the questions I overhear the most. Why? I'm a thrift store junkie. I will comb the thrift stores all day, in search of that perfect score - that amazing dress, that awesome toy from my childhood, the perfect piece of furniture. And books. So many books, left to their own devices to dance among the shelves of discarded media and literature.

If you have to ask, the answer is yes. If you aren't sure - you should try it on. One of the first things I learned about thrift store shopping is that a bargain isn't a bargain if you'll never wear the item or use it. It's a waste. And thrifting is all about cutting out waste. So if you have to ask, you should definitely try it on.

Oh yes, I've learned this the hard way. There's the red satin ballgown that fits like a dream - everywhere except the ribcage. I can lose weight, I can tuck and suck and hide a million bodily imperfections - but I am not a snake, and I cannot change the size of my ribcage. Lesson learned. It's still sitting in my bathroom, waiting for me to alter it or turn it into something new. I just don't have the heart to wrestle it into something new - it's too pretty. So it sits, unused.

"Do you think it's safe to use?" Well, that's a loaded question. It depends on what the item is. Some stores take the time to test the items they sell - a locally owned thrift store called Re-Use industries does this all the time. If I buy a hair straightener from 1983 from Re-Use, I know the cord won't catch fire. And they let customers plug in items in-store. Other stores aren't so safety-minded. I bought a toaster from the Salvation Army several years ago in preparation for my trek to college. I plugged it in, and it promptly took to flames. Lesson learned.

"Why would you buy THAT used?" The "that" could refer to anything - silverware, underwear, socks, shoes, washcloths. Anything of a personal nature that comes into contact with a vital part of your body. I have my limits. I won't buy panties at the thrift store. I don't care if I can bleach and wash or even autoclave those suckers. I won't do it. Bras, on the other hand, I don't have a problem buying second hand if they look new and are in good shape and appear fairly clean. Socks I won't buy to wear, but I'll use for craft projects. A girl can never have too many sock monkeys laying around.

Non-porous items - plastic, metal, glass utensils and cooking items aren't a problem for me. Mainly because I don't know where they've been or what they've been subjected to. Someone could have shit in that teapot, for all I know. But I don't know - and a good dose of hot water and bleach takes care of it for me.

If I know what the food preparation item has been through, I won't snag it used. I don't just thrift, I also engage in an art known as "Dumpster Diving." I dig through trash. People throw away too many useful, functional items. My landlord asked me to clear out the apartment below mine when the tenants ditched town - they were heroin addicts and all manner of shady. I kept welding gloves on the entire time and had a magnet to pick up the needles so I wouldn't get stabbed. I scored a lot of awesome furniture from their place. I also picked up an antique teapot. That teapot was grimy when I got it. It's been cleaned, but I still haven't used it. It's a waste - but I can't bring myself to get rid of it. Maybe soon, but not today.

And when I do decide to get rid of these thrift store and dumpster diving failures, I know exactly where they'll go. They'll go to a grassroots effort known as Freecycle. Freecycle allows people to give away items - for free. Someone always needs something. why not save it from a landfill?

I post this mostly because I live in an area surrounded by college students. We have two colleges - the local technical college that's a lot more blue-collar and Ohio University, where the rich kids come to party and play. Dormitory move-outs just happened this past week. The towns in this area are TEEMING with new, almost new, brand new, perfect items that were just discarded. Thrown out. Pushed away. I didn't dumpster dive this year on campus, because the police were arresting people for....stealing trash.

I did scour the thrift stores. And here is what I snagged:

Books. Lots of books. So many books it makes my head hurt. My computer has a catalog of all the books I own, my entire library. It has tripled in size since the students moved out.

Pajamas. Brand new pajamas. With tags on them. That makes me sad, but oh-so-very happy. I get the comfort of Victoria's Secret without the price-tag. Well, I have the price tag. I just didn't pay the price. That's the real secret.

Board games. We play a lot of board games. It makes things interesting, since we don't have cable and don't watch television, except online, if we really have something we want to see.

Craft supplies. It amazes me what I can find to fuel my crafting habit.

An old steamer trunk. We had to crack the lock open in-store, because there was no key. I bought it for my husband, since he wanted one like mine. His is old, battered and beat up. Just the way steamer trunks should be.

The score of the day, though, had to be the pet carriers. I work with my local humane society. We do a lot of trap/neuter/release. There are NEVER enough cat carriers to go around. And I found about 10 of them for $1 each. I'm going to have to sterilize them - I don't know the status of the cats who rode in them previously. But I'm okay with that. Because it means I can help more of the kitties in this county. I'm about to embark on a TNR for 37 cats...37! It's going to take a lot of traps, a lot of time, a lot of patience and a LOT of carriers.

Do you need to try it on? Yes. Do you need to buy it? No. But it sure is fun.

Fire Demon's Lament

"The Fire-Demon's Lament"
A short story of righteousness and pyromania in Upper Manhattan

Tell no secrets. Admit no lies. That was the creed Feathol lived by. Or was it admit no lies, tell no secrets? After four thousand centuries, he couldn't quite keep the words straight in his pea-sized brain. No matter. After such a long time, the fire-demon's lifestyle had settled into a comfortable lull and he figured he was doing just fine for himself. Just fine indeed.

His mornings began with a romp through the neighborhood's incinerators. The silly people of Manhattan were always burning something. His afternoons were spent sunning his incorporeal body on a rock in Central Park. Sure, it was a rather reptilian thing to do, but fire was fire – no matter what the source. And the big glowing ball in the sky provided plenty of it.

Nighttime was when Feathol truly shined. He would hop from flaming trash can to flaming trash can. The homeless men and women of the city streets would catch glimpses of him through the corners of their eyes, an occurrence that happened usually by the fire-demon's choice, sometimes by accident.

It was one such accident that landed Feathol in his current predicament. Flames whipped around the central core of his essence. Sparks tapped along brick as his fingertips examined the prison in which he was confined. He could hear voices afar – though in truth they were no more than three feet away.

“How was your day, dear?” The sweet, heady voice of a young woman shimmered through the glass front of Feathol's prison cell. He looked outward, toward the world. The fire-demon saw a playground of flammable material – skin rugs, wooden walls, papers and enough Naugahyde to satisfy his burning for days.

By a stroke of bad luck, Feathol had ended up trapped in the fireplace of one of the wealthiest couples in Manhattan. All he had done was tip the trash can of some poor schmuck trying to get some heat. It was all a bit of fun and all in a day's work for the conflagrant spirit. Feathol hadn't quite caught up with the times. The man stood up, and looked right at the fire-demon.

It hadn't occurred to Feathol that this week might have been the perfect time to lay low in his favorite hideout – the local hibachi restaurant. On Tuesday there had been a mass excommunication of priests, accused of all manner of atrocities. Some of them were innocent. Most were not. With no place to go and no home but their Mother Church, these men had flocked to the streets by the dozens.

Feathol could tell by the light in this man's eyes that he was innocent – guilty of no crime, save perhaps over=zealousness, a crime which Feathol knew God didn't look too kindly on anyway. It was that very same crime that had landed him this combustible gig in the first place.

The aura of righteousness ablaze around him, the priest uncorked a half-empty wine bottle and poured the contents to the ground, a mock libation to whatever deity would listen to the cries of a holy man stripped of name and title. Mutter, mutter, grumble, grumble. That's all these priests and holy men ever did. Most of the time the words meant nothing....few of them spoke the Old Language anymore. Unfortunately for Feathol, this one did.

The world began to whirl on its axis, turning faster and faster. The one solid constant was that damnable priest and his Boone Farm bottle, sticky around the edges from the cheap blue vint. Turning ever faster, swirling and pivoting, the world came alive to the cries of the man's passions. Pirouetting like a toy dancer on a string, the world eddied and gyrated until Feathol couldn't see any longer.

The priest had hurled the bottle at one of the older homes in the city, hitting just right so that it shattered in the chimney. He had a hell of an arm, that priest. Feathol thought he must have coached little league at one point. There was no sport more holy than little league, except maybe hockey. But hockey, by and large, wasn't a sport priests cared to encourage. The holiest things weren't for everyone, you know. It was one of the first things you learned, priest or demon. Hurtling toward the fireplace of the family's abode, Feathol lost consciousness. “GOAL!” His mind screamed. “TWO POINTS!” The man upstairs certainly had a sense of humor, narrating the score of this trivial game.

And he'd woken up here. In hell. Was there such a thing as hell? Feathol didn't rightly know. It should have been something he did know, after all, he was a fire demon, but it hadn't been included in his welcome seminar and it didn't seem appropriate to ask – his trainer, a demon so old he'd walked the earth when the grasses still struggled to bloom, was a right asshole. It just didn't seem worth the torture he'd bear to get an answer.

Feathol watched the scene through the glass-front cell. Tapping his ethereal fingers against the bricks around him, Feathol saw a family in the room. They weren't looking at him. They didn't even notice he was there. The fire-demon pounded the walls, shook the bars, rattled the glass. And still nothing. After some time, he settled.

“Dear,” that infernally sweet voice spoke again. “Don't you think it's getting to be too warm to keep a fire? It's nearly July.” The woman leaned over the Naugahyde chair and kissed the man sitting there. He nodded his agreement.

“Yes, sweetheart, I do believe you're right. Have Ilsa extinguish the fire for us, would you?” Feathol's flaming eyeballs widened. He pounded the walls, shook the bars and rattled the glass even harder. The woman left the room.

The strange man stared directly at the fire, directly at Feathol. “You know, not every homeless person is homeless by force. Some of the ones you torture do have families, some of them do have recourse. There are some who choose to live as they do. My brother did the right thing sending you here. We're going to get you the help you need.” A demon intervention? Feathol thought it was passing odd. His panic quelled but for a moment before the bucket of water was poured on his essence.

The last thing Feathol remembered was the kindly chimney sweep who pulled his tattered and worn spirit from the fireplace floor. Washed away down a drain, Feathol wondered in passing if there was a job market for slurry demons. Surely there had to be a waste management plant somewhere in need of a resident spirit.

Last Request - Flash Fiction

This was written as an assignment for my creative writing class (Shoutout to my instructor Denise! Thank you for the inspiration!) We were challenged to write a piece of flash fiction, a complete story between 10-1000 words. I took it a step further and used a prompt generator on Seventh Sanctum, the random "Writing Challenge" generator. The original prompt read "The story must involve a quilt in it. A character is thirsty throughout most of the story."

I hope I've managed to catch the gist of flash fiction writing and fulfilled the additional challenge I set for myself. I also hope I've managed to paint a picture in your mind and inspire YOU just a little bit as well, reader.

And without further gilding the lily, I present...

"Last Request"

The penultimate wheeze of death rattled through the sun-melted room, shaking the dust from the peeling wallpaper and disturbing the mice who sought to take refuge within the aging walnut armoire in the corner. Curtains the color of moldy teabags seemed to sigh in resignation as Margie McClellan committed to one last act.

“I am going to die.” Her spittle-thronged words spoke to no one, save the old gray tabby in the corner. That old gray tabby – she, too, wanted to be left in peace. “But first I would like a glass of water.” There was no one around to hear Margie McClellan's words, no one nearby to stroke the beads of sweat that formed on her withered forehead in the scorching summer heat.

Stale air carried the scent of death as she exhaled again. Her wizened fingers touched the quilt that shielded her from the world, despite the stifling heat that blanketed the room. Rheumy eyes could no longer discern the colors and shapes of the quilt, but her fingers knew each square, each stitch. Each block told a story. And why should she not know? Margie McClellan made that quilt herself.

The feel of worn green cotton told Margie the story of the time her boy fell out of a tree, his body twisting to match the branches. They'd had to cut the shirt from his body and he spent the better part of six months in a full-torso cast. Margie smiled at the memory.

Soft grooves of blue corduroy whispered words of Mr. McClellan, passed away some years ago while working in the train yard, killed by a drunk conductor pulling the trolleys in for repair. The plush fabric comforted her, soothed her as she entered her last hours.

The wail of a child rose to old Margie's deaf ears. Coarse, moth-eaten lace over a square of satin recounted the birth of her first grand-child. Her daughter Susie spent three days in labor. Sandra was born with a full head of hair and her grandmother's hazel eyes.

Caressing her death shroud, Margie McClellan wondered if it would one day be part of a quilt. Would anyone care enough about her life to see that her last moments were remembered? No one had shown up for days. And where was that glass of water? She was thirsty. So thirsty. No one would come to cut the muslin shift from her body and make it into something new, something useful. Her body would fertilize the flowers, but her clothing would be left for the rats in the walls. With one last dispirited rale, Margie McClellan gave up and died.

The door to the musty bedroom creaked open. “Mom?” the lilting female voice inquired permission to enter. Permission that would be neither granted nor denied, save for the agitated meowl of the old gray tabby in the corner.

Sometimes

Sometimes I just don't have the energy or effort to write. Sometimes I just don't want to write after spending all day writing. i get burnt out, tired and very very sick of looking at strings of characters turned into words.

I've been burnt out for the past two days and I have bills to pay, which means I have to keep writing. I don't want to write. I just don't.

Everything in my soul hurts, my heart aches, my mind is blurring. In no specific order, here is a list of things I would rather be doing than writing:

Cleaning
Playing with the puppies
Tending to the cats (bath, flea spray, wormer routine)
Dealing with a feral cat
Cross stitching
Sewing
Knitting
Crocheting
Bookbinding
Fixing my dollhouse
Fixing my real house
Drinking
Crying
Sleeping
Walking around/hiking
Drawing
Creating
Crocheting
Crafty/artsy anything
Cleaning
Organizing
Shopping
Driving around aimlessly


Here is a list of places I would rather be doing these things than my current location, Ohio:
New Jersey
Pennsylvania
Delaware
New York

Anywhere but here. And anything but this.

Sometimes I wish someone would save me from myself and everything I have to do. That knight in shining armor is NOT going to show up. A poignantly named facebook group proclaims that a knight in shining armor is sometimes actually an idiot in tinfoil.

It's true.