On Self Doubt

Print: Luis Royo "Medusa's Gaze" from "Subversive Beauty"

"It's all right for a woman to be, above all, human. I am a woman first of all." - Anais Nin

I am beautiful, but I have cried countless years away
with my face pressed into a pillow, screaming and screaming away
because I can't understand
why the world doesn't recognize it.

I am beautiful. I have curves.
They zig and zag,
they twist and turn.
Twist those hips, mama,
and watch the boys go running.....
….in the opposite direction.

I am a plastic princess made of polyvinylacrylate,
with seams running down the backs of my legs,
and underwear molded permanently in place.
Unless I'm not going anywhere.
And I never am.

I am an ice queen melting from the inside out.
Can't you tell by the saddened expression
and the moisture falling down my face?
It hurts.

I am recognized for many things:
My heart, my brain, my knowledge
The speed at which my fingers fly across the keys
and the words that tumble onto the page.

But I'm never one of the girls.
I'm always that weird little
Braniac Freak who's just one of the guys.

I'm not beautiful to you.
I'm a co-conspirator, a helper, a henchman, a minion.
Sometimes I'm an evil genius.
But I'm never one of your
beautiful people.

My beauty is not delicate.
I am not small. I am not timid.
My beauty is fierce, roaring into the room
with fangs and claws and a whirl of
monochromatic cacophonous shrieks.

I am not Monroe. I am not Bardot.
I am not Garbo and I am not Lake.
I am the love child of Clara Bow
and Anais Nin with a side of
Manson thrown in for spite.
I am a Luis Royo painting come to life.
I am scary. I am angry. I am bittersweet.
I am fierce. I am beautiful.